Our First IVF Consult

After ten unsuccessful trials of IUI, Alex and I have opted to take the first steps in our IVF journey. We have gone to so many appointments and done so many treatments, we actually had to look back at the chart and count the number IUI attempts - yet another sign it was time to change tactics. We met with our fertility doctor to discuss logistics and next steps. While I'm not proud to admit it, the number of tears shed in that office is a bit embarrassing, so my goal was simply to make it through the appointment without crying - and SUCCESS! We left the office feeling not only informed but also hopeful! Based upon our medical history, we are great candidates for IVF. My creaky joints and recent birthday might have me feeling older these days, but I'm in the best possible age bracket for this sort of treatment option. We also learned that, much to our surprise, being a teacher qualifies us for a 20% discount! Who knew?! Summers off and discounted embryo transfers - perks of being an educator! Someone should probably put that on a t-shirt; it might help curb the current teacher shortage.

For now, we wait for the next cycle to begin and then start the regiment of medications and ultrasound monitoring. Much of the medications and appointments will be similar to what we've been doing, so we're feeling pretty well prepared. Our doctor is hopeful that we can begin right away, but much of this is up in the air depending on how my body responds to treatment. They want to retrieve as many viable eggs as possible but without overstimulating my ovaries, something for which I'm at high risk. It's a bit surreal to think of the procedures ahead and I'm sort of in shock that it's really happening.

There will be a lot of tough decisions ahead. From our info session experiences, there's a whole a'la carte menu of choices when it comes to IVF and each item comes with a price tag and pro/con. How many embryos should we transfer? More embryos increases our likelihood of becoming pregnant but also increases our chance of multiples for which there's a whole slew of risk factors. Should we opt for partially hatched to ensure fertilization? What the heck does that even mean?! I'm not sure we're qualified to make all of these judgement calls but if that isn't a perfect metaphor for parenting, I don't know what is. We're going to be doing a lot of praying and weighing our options in the coming days, weeks, and months. Trusting God and trusting our guts.

I briefly mentioned to Charlie the idea of having baby in the house, a little sibling. His eyes lit up! "Can you have a baby girl, mom? I really want a little sister!" Oh, sweet boy. You would be such a good big brother. Girl or boy, I really hope we can fulfill that desire of your heart. <3

What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting…

People often ask me, “are you going to have more children?” with the implication that because we have children, future children are a given. I sort of thought that too. Despite being able to successfully conceive twice with the aid of fertility treatments, I have now been diagnosed with “unexplained infertility.” The precise need for such an imprecise diagnosis is both hilarious and maddening. Over the years, and yes, it’s been years, my responses and patience with this question have worn thin.

“are you going to have more children?”

Me: “We plan to!”

“are you going to have more children?”

Me: “We hope to!”

“are you going to have more children?”

Me: “We’ll see…”

“are you going to have more children?”

Me: “That’s not 100% up to us.”

“are you going to have more children?”

Me: “Waiting on God’s timing.”

“are you going to have more children?”

Me: “We’ll see if it’s in the cards for us.”

“are you going to have more children?”

Me: “Who knows?!”

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not a crime to ask people about their families; after all, there was no ill intent. But even a slight shift of language to “do you want to have more children?” or avoiding the topic altogether sometimes seems safer territory.


“Loss” is a word rarely used to describe infertility because, after all, in order to lose something, one must have something to begin with. The fact of the matter is that my uterus has remained utterly vacant, as vacant as my undergraduate bank account. And yet, there is really no other word to describe this feeling. It is loss.

Loss of intimacy with your partner because sex has become prescribed, a detail that loses its luster after the first few cycles.

Loss of interest in other people’s pregnancies and loss of respect for myself for losing interest in others.

Loss of opportunities for recreation. Oh, the amusement park rides, foods, and drinks I’ve avoided all for the sake that I *might* be pregnant. In truth, sometimes it was a rollercoaster ride with my kids or that glass of wine and conversation with dear friends that I needed most in that moment.

Loss of income because, let’s face it, infertility treatments aren’t cheap and insurance covers very little.

Loss of self care. Minnesota winters do a number on my rheumatoid arthritis but treatment options are extremely limited when {supposedly} pregnant. Instead of bringing relief to my chronic pain, I’ve aired on the side of caution to protect potential pregnancies, a choice I’d make again in a heartbeat but painful nonetheless.

Loss of hope - in modern medicine and in my body -- the latter actually being more daunting than the former. 

Loss of dialogue and connection. There are few loved ones who’ve been aware of this ongoing struggle but often times, discussing infertility can be uncomfortable for both parties. The listener quickly runs out of things to say and ask and words of encouragement slowly disappear from vocabulary. Likewise, going through the same conversations cycle after cycle is both mentally and emotionally taxing. Both sides and both feelings are completely valid and completely natural -- it just naturally shrinks the support system.

I have been told by many that I should just be content - “you already have two kids,” after all. And while those remarks are absolutely fair, there are so many couples who struggle to have a single child; those comments are short sighted for a number of reasons. Children are not a commodity: wanting more does not imply dissatisfaction with one’s current lot in life. Wanting a new car usually means there’s something wrong with the current make/model. Kids don’t work that way. If anything, our infertility struggles have made me more grateful for my blessings, my boys. Children are love; children are hope; children are future; children are adventure; children are joy. Who should be ashamed of wanting more of that? Those remarks from well-meaning loved ones have brought on unwarranted shame for wanting more - for seeing my family as “not enough.”

In a few days, Alex and I will take the first steps in our IVF journey. This is a path we’ve put off for awhile because there is no medical need for it. Anatomically, we are both in good reproductive health, so the invasiveness and cost of the procedure seem unnecessary. Imagine shelling out thousands of dollars for a new roof when your current one is in good repair - sounds asinine, right? But, after years of trying with countless medical inventions, there comes a point when a change in tactics must be made. Trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Insanity. An apt word to describe this process.

We welcome thoughts and prayers in the coming weeks, months, years. We’re not ignorant to the fact that IVF might not be the answer. And we’re bracing ourselves for the battle(s) ahead. But please don’t offer your answers - “have you tried [insert oddly-personal and medically-unfounded old wive’s tale that supposedly worked for them]?” I’m sorry, acquaintance - I know you mean well but do you realize how dumb that sounds when we’ve tried almost everything under the sun?! If the number of medical professionals we’ve seen have yet to figure it out, your tips from watching Dr. Oz surely won’t be the ticket to success. Love you, though. ❤️ Please don’t pity us either. We will be okay and we know that. God is in control, even when His plans aren’t entirely clear.

Charlie's Birth Story

Let's start this blog entry with a confession: I was not the best pregnant lady the second time around. Between working full-time until close to delivery, chasing a toddler around, and increasing my involvement on the speech team I was exhausted 24/7. Add to that my ongoing thyroid issues - drained is an understatement. Thank God for wonderful family and friends who helped out along the way - and Alex? I have no doubt that he is a Saint.

As my due date approached, I became exceedingly impatient. Convinced that Charlie would come early like his big brother (Oscar made his appearance at just 38 weeks), I was in a constant state of anxious anticipation. So when week 38 rolled around, I thought, "Okay, it's baby time!" Week 39..."Baby time?" Week 40..."Okay, Baby...this is getting ridiculous." Even though I wasn't even overdue yet, my body felt like it. My midwife told me that as of 37 weeks, baby's head was situated very low so he was ready to go - his placement made me very uncomfortable and getting through the day without 12 trips to the bathroom was nearly impossible. In hopes of speeding things up, my midwife stripped the membrane of my cervix (Wed. April 9); it wasn't guaranteed to work but seeing as I was barely dilating, it was worth a shot.

On Thursday (April 10), the discomfort continued. We invited my mom over for dinner and before she was even en route (around 5pm), I started feeling contractions. With Oscar, I was in early labor for nearly 12 hours so I was in no rush to start counting/tracking - they needed to be consistent for a few hours anyway. But these contractions felt consistent and strong. Sure enough, as soon as I started tracking, they were consistently five minutes apart and starting to get stronger. I continued making dinner and playing with Oscar stopping every five minutes or so. Looking back, it's sort of funny to think of Oscar on my lap, reading his truck book together while I'm in labor - "Oscar, where's the yellow truck? Ow, ow, ow. And the...ow....tractor?" I guess that was a good glimpse of what being a Momma of multiple children is like.

We called the BabyLine and the nurse said that given my current state and that this was my second pregnancy, we should make our way to the hospital ASAP. By this time, it was nearing Oscar's bedtime (around 7:45pm). My mom volunteered to take over Oscar duties and to stay the night but Oscar was in one of his "I want daddy" moods. As I'm yelling at Alex to get in the car, Oscar's yelling at Alex to come read to him, and my mom is yelling at both of us to go to the hospital. I had never really worried about my blood pressure during pregnancy but I'm sure it was spiking then.

Alex and I tried to calm down once we were in the car and soon enough, we were at the hospital. Because my water hadn't broken, I went through triage. I was, according to the nurse, "contracting my brains out," but was only a measly 3cm dilated. Were they going to send us home? The nurse asked us to walk around the hospital for about an hour to help speed things up. By then, my contractions were really strong and consistently a minute apart. I sort of felt like an idiot groaning in pain and bracing myself against walls as strangers passed us but I was too focused on getting through the pain to care. We went back to triage and thankfully I was dilated to 5cm - enough to admit me to a room (around 9:30pm). I immediately hopped in a warm bath, turned on some Sondheim, and the fast and furious contractions continued. Our intention was to have a natural childbirth again but I was starting to get worried. My water still hadn't broken, I was dilating slowly, and these contractions were faster and harder than I remembered. After about an hour or so of laboring in the tub I asked the nurse if she could check my cervix. I hadn't eaten anything since lunchtime, it was getting late, and these contractions were wearing me out! The midwife came in to check me and I told her, "I'm so tired. I'm not sure I can do this. If I'm not progressing, I think I want something for the pain." The midwife said, "Honey, I'm not sure that that would help any because you're at 9.5cm. If you want, I can break your water and we can have this baby right now." Uhhhhh....yes! Sure enough, after my bag of waters and broken I began pushing and 10-20 minutes later, our boy had arrived (at exactly 11pm)!

 I'm not sure if it was his size or my shear exhaustion but pushing Charlie out seemed more difficult than with Oscar. Or maybe it's true what they say about mothers forgetting the pain of childbirth? Regardless, both Charlie and I had physical signs of the struggle; I had delightful red splotches all over my face from broken blood vessels and Charlie popped blood vessels in both eyes and his face was swollen and purple (a shade that seriously freaked this Momma out!) from the quick exit. Battle wounds aside, we had our prize! All 8lbs and 13oz of him! He not only tipped the scales but also measured in 2.5" taller (21.4") than Oscar - big boy! We named him Charlie Alexander: Charlie (not Charles and NEVER Chuck!) after one of our all-time favorite filmmakers, Charlie Chaplin and Alexander after his wonderful Daddy.

I'm blessed to be on maternity leave through the end of August so hopefully I'll have some time this Spring/Summer to keep this blog updated. Stay tuned as we learn more about being a family of FOUR!

Highlights from 2013

'Sup, blog? Been awhile, huh? Well, in the spirit of all the nostalgia that the New Year brings, I thought it fitting to jot down a few major milestones in the Carlson household. Now keep in mind that major is a relative term: these instances may not mean much to others but these are the moments I want to look back and remember. So, in no particular order, here are my top 10 memories from 2013:

1) Alex got a new job. Twice. Duh, we know he's hirable but this job shift was different. After working at two different places within months of each other, he decided to take a leap of faith and jumped ship once more. Now don't get me wrong, Alex is the kind of person who can get along with anyone he meets and somehow manages to excel wherever he is but his former employers really missed the mark with him. Meaning. That's what he's been searching for in his place of work and thank God he's found it! At his current job, he feels valued, he's never bored, and he truly believes in the work that he's doing. They said that a happy wife makes a happy life but I think this saying works with husbands too.

2) Oscar hit the 13-month marker and is doing okay. Like I said above, some of these milestones don't make sense to other people but for me, 13-months was the age I was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis which meant, in my mind, that's when it would hit Oscar too. Ever since I was a young girl, I feared that my children would have this chronic disease but as of now, Oscar seems like the pinnacle of good health. Who knows what will happen in the future but in this moment, I am thankful for the health of my family.

3) I became an auntie! Although she had a somewhat scary entry into the world, Ruby and my brave sister Jenny are both doing well. I can't wait for her to become more mobile - she and Oscar are bound to get into some shenanigans.

4) Oscar has started talking! He has been gradually adding to his vocabulary but right now his repertoire includes Mama, Mama (which also means food/I want something - go figure) Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa (which sometimes becomes Bumpa), Bumpa (which also means truck?), yum-yum, yup, no/nah, doggie, puppy, hi, bye/buh-bye, uh-oh, and I swear he said "I love you" to me once *gush* It's really amazing to see him process the world around him and there are times where he's acting so independently, I forget that he's still my baby! Good thing we've got another one on the way because this big boy is growing up too quickly!

5) Alex's siblings moved away - Yes, that's right Uncle Mack and Auntie Madee are spread out across the nation (in Florida and California respectively). I'm so very proud of them both for taking risks and following their dreams - God only knows that I couldn't do it, especially on my own! I hope they find jobs they love and meet good friends to surround them. In the meantime, we miss them mucho!

6) I'm took a break from theatre. As a family we decided that a hiatus from directing at the high school was a good idea considering our already busy schedules and our growing family. Directing last year really took a toll on me; I would get home so late that I'd only get to see Oscar for about a half hour and it ended up being his before bed/tired/crabby time. On top of that, I had very little time to accomplish school work and our marriage ended up on the back-burner. Instead, I took on the role of co-head coach on the speech team which allows me to rehearse one day a week as opposed to the usual five. Alex and I also get to spend more time together which is another plus. The decision was a tough one but I'm very happy with the result.

7) Oscar is getting soooo smart! I'm sure that every parent says that but even our daycare lady can't help but comment on his growing intelligence. He's very quick at figuring out how things work and has even begun problem solving. For example, our daycare lady has a secret stash for toys that none of the other kids know about. Apparently, Oscar figured out the secret spot right away and ended up putting toys together to reach in and get out the toys he wanted. He's making tools?! Blows my mind.

8) Our speech team reached a staggering 74 members this year and that was after cutting several students from the team. We're overwhelmed with the amazing student interest and we hope to make this the best speech season yet! Last year we sent one kid to state - this year, who knows? :-)

9) I renewed my teaching license which means I've officially been teaching for five years. Not sure if this means I'm no longer a novice or what; I think I'll feel like the new kid on the block for the next 15 years but experience certainly helps. It definitely felt somewhat official to go through the paperwork - like, do I really want to sign on for another five years of this craziness? As one of my colleagues puts it, I'm a "lifer" meaning teaching was, is, and will continue to be my dream job. No matter how draining it can get, I love being in the classroom and I love working with young people.

10) We will soon be a family of five (dog included)! It's crazy to think that in the coming months there will be two little boys under our roof. I'm still getting used to saying "my boys" or "my sons." Blessings this big are hard to wrap your mind around but I look forward to getting to know this new little one and I'm even more excited for these cute brothers to become acquainted. They say the best gift you can give a child is a sibling - here's hoping they're right! In preparation for this new phase and stage of our lives, we're working on transitioning Oscar to his big boy room (pictures/details to come) and starting tomorrow, he will be pacifier free - that's his New Year's resolution. He currently only uses it to fall asleep but we can only have one baby in the house at a time so he's going to start the transition to big-boydom ASAP. Wish us luck!

A Growing Family

Alright, blog. My life isn't getting any less hectic, my health has been cruddy lately, and I should probably be packing for our weekend homecoming excursion but what am I doing instead? Giving you a little TLC. A lot has been on my mind lately so sorting out something cohesive to blog about is a challenge. Considering the major focus of my blog thus far, I thought going back to baby talk was a good idea.

I am currently 12ish weeks pregnant (April 9th due date) with baby number two. Between bouts of complete exhaustion I am thoroughly ecstatic. Our family, friends, and my students have been so encouraging - for goodness sakes, I got a full round of applause (and a few standing ovations) from each of my classes when I spilled the beans. It hasn't been that long ago since I was pregnant with Oscar and yet I forgot how genuinely nice people are to pregnant ladies. We've had a lot of people asking us questions - some normal like, "when are you due?" and "is Oscar excited to be a big brother?" and then a few odd ones like, "weren't you just pregnant?" and "was this one planned?" I'm sure people are just making conversation but those last few are a little cringe-worthy. So I guess the answer to both questions is YES. Alex and I have always wanted to have our kids be relatively close in age but we weren't sure if that was going to be a possibility given our fertility situation (aka any baby we have must be planned). We were able to conceive relatively quickly the first time with the assistance of fertility drugs, but my doctor was very candid that just because it worked the first time, it didn't mean it would the second time around. Of course my mind went into worse-case-scenario mode: what if it takes years to conceive? what if we can't conceive at all? But just like clockwork, the drugs worked after only two cycles. Coincidentally enough, that was the exact same process with Oscar, a detail my doctor described as "kinda scary;" he apparently rarely sees such consistency. We were sort of aiming to be due in May or June for the sake of my teaching job but I guess I'll just have to take an extended summer vay-cay! Ah, shucks! :-)

Finding out that we were pregnant was uplifting for soooo many reasons. We cannot wait to watch Oscar take on the big brother role; he has already been working on his sharing. We're so thankful for modern medicine and the knowledge that we can, in fact, get pregnant; Oscar was not a fluke but he is still my favorite miracle. There's also something about the idea of two children which makes a family seem more whole. For some reason, it's easier to envision taking family trips, or pulling two kids in the wagon, or going sledding, or simply sitting down for a family dinner. I daydream about all of those often.

So, Baby Carlson #2 (we need to come up with a better name for you), I love you already more than words can express. I know you will rock our world on so many levels but I can't wait. I guess I better get some actual work done but know that however busy I get, you and your sweet big bro are always in the forefront of my mind.

PS- Experienced mommas weren't joking about the second time around; I already feel huge! Many people said I "popped" a week or so ago and belly bands are in full-force now. Also, my palate has been mostly sweets-driven (with Oscar it was savory) so I wonder if that's just different because it's a different pregnancy or if the urban-legend of baby girls is true. I guess only time will tell ;-)

Oscar's First Birthday Party

My baby is one...I'm still in denial. But with this big milestone comes the big responsibility of a the first birthday party. Now say what you will about overdone children's parties and the Pinterest generation, but seeing as I only have a few birthday parties where I get to choose themes, etc, I wanted to have fun with it. Mind you, next year's birthday party will be taken down a notch or two.

We went for a classic Winnie the Pooh theme - a choice that ended up being hard to follow. Between party stores, Target, Walmart, and practically any store you could think of, no one carried any classic Pooh items; everything was Disney Pooh. Between Pinterest and my own imagination, we had to get a little craftsy and a little creative. Here are a few shots from Oscar's par-tay:

Box cupcakes/frosting, sugar bees from Etsy, hand-piped

Box cake mix, decal from Etsy, hand-piped

Tigger Tails - hand-dipped pretzel rods 

Acorns - Nutter Butter Bites, chocolate kisses, mini choc chip

Dessert table

Birthday board - idea from other moms/Pinterest, created on Photoshop

Birthday bunting - created on Photoshop

Roo Pouches - sandwich bar

Rabbit's Garden Grub - fruit and veggie tray

Piglets in a Blanket - croissant wrapped cocktail wieners

Food table spread

One-year photo shoot display alongside monthly growth photos

Cookie bouquet courtesy of Alex's aunt and uncle

Paper lanterns and handmade garland punched from Pooh books and sewn together

Obligatory cake smash montage

 Thank you to everyone who make this special day happen! I guess growing up can be a little fun :-)

Baptism by Fire

So this past week I spent six days and nights in Lincoln, Nebraska with a group of students for the International Thespian Festival. The shows, the workshops, the experiences shared with this great group of students were priceless. However, this trip marked my first time away from Oscar. Many moms I know so-called "practice" being away for a night or two before leaving for an extended period of time but I was so anxious about leaving him in the first place that I wanted to spend every waking moment with him. So instead, I went on my trip hoping and praying I wouldn't have a major meltdown. Baptism by fire, if you will.

Initially, I had planned on having Alex and Oscar drop me off but between the prop bins for the show and my luggage, there was no room in the car. In hindsight, I'm very thankful for this because saying goodbye at home allowed me to have time in the car to cry it out (and reapply makeup) without the watchful eyes of dozens of high school students.

The trip itself was pretty action-packed: show after show, workshop after workshop, meals, games, and various other activities that both excited and exhausted the students and me. As much as this busy schedule allowed little time for me to call home, I'm pretty sure that idle time would have made the separation worse. I wasn't laying in bed at night thinking of home because I was so wiped out from the day. The times that really tugged at my heartstrings were when our schedules coincided enough for a quick Face Time session. We tried to Face Time almost every day, but seeing as Oscar goes to bed at 7:00 and our schedule was packed solid until 10 or 11, finding time was very difficult. I worried that he wouldn't recognize me or have stranger-danger with me when I returned. I worried that he would be emotionally effected and, in turn, would have his daily schedule thrown off. I worried that he would learn to walk while I was away. And, even worse, I worried that he wouldn't even notice that I was gone; that was actually my biggest fear.

Much to my relief, Oscar seemed thrilled to see me when we Face Timed. He smiled immediately when he saw my face and even tried to touch my face on the screen when I talked to him. Those moments were the most difficult because all I wanted to do was reach through that screen and hold him - to snuggle him and to make him giggle. But, of course, I couldn't so I relied on those brief exchanges to get me through the week.

The bus ride home was pretty excruciating. Not only was I anxious to see my boys, but I was bored beyond belief (our school was split up on the bus). The already long bus ride (seven hours) dragged on for what seemed like weeks! Finally, we pulled into the school parking lot and I almost ripped the bus doors off their hinges. I don't remember saying goodbye to my students once we got of the bus (in hindsight, I feel sort of bad about that) and I left my luggage on the curb as I ran over to see my boys. When Alex got Oscar out of his car seat, it took me a second for it to feel real and for it to set in: I was home. Seeing and holding Oscar after that week-long trip felt like the first time I saw and held him. I noticed all that had changed about him while I was gone. His hair had gotten longer (and redder!), his teeth were more exposed, his demeanor seemed more mature and alert, and the weight of his body felt different in my arms. However illegal, I just wanted to hold him the entire ride home (of course I didn't!) but instead I sat in the backseat and played and talked with him. Between Alex being exhausted from single-parenthood all week and my intense desire to be with Oscar, I eagerly took the reigns and jumped right back into mommy-hood. I think I may have even ignored Alex and Beckett a little bit because I was all Oscar all the time. He hadn't forgotten me and I hadn't forgotten how to be a mom.

As much as this week was rough for me at times, I wouldn't take it back. Learning to trust God, my family, and my friends, truly appreciating the time I have with them, and letting go of some control has made me a stronger person. Now don't get me wrong, I don't intend on leaving him again anytime soon but none of us are worse off because of this trip.

Thank you to all who stepped up and helped Alex and I during this time and thank you God for giving me the strength to make it through!