In some ways, I’m really lucky. Many women cannot take ten
weeks for either financial or work related reasons. Don’t get me wrong; I am
BLESSED to have had this time. I am also blessed to know that family members
will watch Oscar until January so I know he will be with people who love him
dearly. I was also extremely lucky to have had a tremendous sub who will now be
working in my building so I can seek her out if need be. Teaching is the best
job to go back to because I find worth in what I do and I love working with
young people. Alex and I are also lucky to have developed somewhat of a routine
so I should be getting decent sleep during work weeks. Really, I am counting my
blessings but…
It’s just hard to not dwell on the tough stuff. Oscar is now
getting to be at such a fun age where he enjoys playtime, he knows who we are,
and that giggle?! It makes me melt every time. I sort of wish that he could
have been at daycare for the first few weeks when he didn’t know or care who I
was; he just wanted to eat and sleep. Now, someone else will get to spend this precious
time with him and it breaks my heart. I have to keep reminding myself “you ‘ll still
see him everyday” and “teachers get a lot of breaks during the year” but I know
that it will not be the same. I also feel like I know him and his needs so well
now and we’re at the point where he doesn’t cry that much or for long periods
of time. I worry that when other people watch him they won’t be able to sooth
him as quickly and I just imagine him crying all day. On top of everything, I worry that I’ll be so
preoccupied with him that my teaching will suffer. My students deserve an
attentive and devoted teacher but so does my son. Can I do both? Women have
been doing it for ages but am I strong enough?
And school. Don’t even get me started. I feel like the new
kid jumping into the school year. Walking through the hallways, I’ll have no
idea which students are mine. How do I get to know their names so quickly? What
get-to-know-you games will be enjoyable for a group of 11th graders
who ALREADY know each other? What if I’m rusty from not teaching for so many
months? Will they want the sub back? Will I have enough time to pump and, God
forbid, what if I start leaking during class?! What if I’m really emotional
those first days back and cry in front of my students? “Who’s this new lady and
why is she weeping?”
My mind races and so I thought by writing all of my worries
down, I might feel a sense of relief. Nope. More worries have popped into my
head while writing this. I need to trust that God will get us through this;
worrying doesn’t help the situation and I want my last few days off of work to
be a pleasant time with Oscar.
Wish me luck this week. I’m going to need it.
