The Time Has Come...

 I cannot believe that ten weeks have flown by and here I am going back to work on Monday! “Mixed” does not begin to describe what I am feeling. Although being Oscar’s beckon call girl 24/7 can be tiring, there really is nothing in the world I’d rather be doing. Alex asks, “Hey, do you want to go see a movie?” I reply, “No way,” I’d much rather stay home bopping him on the nose and watching that gummy smile for hours.

In some ways, I’m really lucky. Many women cannot take ten weeks for either financial or work related reasons. Don’t get me wrong; I am BLESSED to have had this time. I am also blessed to know that family members will watch Oscar until January so I know he will be with people who love him dearly. I was also extremely lucky to have had a tremendous sub who will now be working in my building so I can seek her out if need be. Teaching is the best job to go back to because I find worth in what I do and I love working with young people. Alex and I are also lucky to have developed somewhat of a routine so I should be getting decent sleep during work weeks. Really, I am counting my blessings but…

It’s just hard to not dwell on the tough stuff. Oscar is now getting to be at such a fun age where he enjoys playtime, he knows who we are, and that giggle?! It makes me melt every time. I sort of wish that he could have been at daycare for the first few weeks when he didn’t know or care who I was; he just wanted to eat and sleep. Now, someone else will get to spend this precious time with him and it breaks my heart. I have to keep reminding myself “you ‘ll still see him everyday” and “teachers get a lot of breaks during the year” but I know that it will not be the same. I also feel like I know him and his needs so well now and we’re at the point where he doesn’t cry that much or for long periods of time. I worry that when other people watch him they won’t be able to sooth him as quickly and I just imagine him crying all day.  On top of everything, I worry that I’ll be so preoccupied with him that my teaching will suffer. My students deserve an attentive and devoted teacher but so does my son. Can I do both? Women have been doing it for ages but am I strong enough?

And school. Don’t even get me started. I feel like the new kid jumping into the school year. Walking through the hallways, I’ll have no idea which students are mine. How do I get to know their names so quickly? What get-to-know-you games will be enjoyable for a group of 11^th graders who ALREADY know each other? What if I’m rusty from not teaching for so many months? Will they want the sub back? Will I have enough time to pump and, God forbid, what if I start leaking during class?! What if I’m really emotional those first days back and cry in front of my students? “Who’s this new lady and why is she weeping?”

My mind races and so I thought by writing all of my worries down, I might feel a sense of relief. Nope. More worries have popped into my head while writing this. I need to trust that God will get us through this; worrying doesn’t help the situation and I want my last few days off of work to be a pleasant time with Oscar.

Wish me luck this week. I’m going to need it.